


The Last Nail

by NorthwesternInsanity



Series: AC/DC 2016 [3]
Category: AC/DC, Music RPF
Genre: Angst, Drama, Endings, Family, Feels, Gen, Goodbyes, Home, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-07-12 07:54:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15990923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NorthwesternInsanity/pseuds/NorthwesternInsanity
Summary: Cliff realizes he can no longer stop the band he has called home for almost 40 years from slipping out of his grasp, and comes to terms with the hard reality of a loss.  (Sequel to Mediator.)





	The Last Nail

**Author's Note:**

> This fic -it's been since July 2016 when Cliff's retirement was first announced mid-tour, and while I won't cry anymore now (like I did when I wrote it), I forgot how painful this one was. It's a completely different style from AC/DC, but to feel the depth of the emotions, I'm linking to the song "The Last Nail" -which is one of the few songs that can still get me good after many listens. https://youtu.be/7o816sxtfb8 It's a buildup, with a while before electric guitar kicks in -the line I quoted was around 3:50 minutes, but the whole section from 1:20 is relevant to the story series -"I started listening to the wind and the rain, you strained your ears and could hear nothing" goes right back to Fevers and Rainstorms, and the key lifts to a slightly less depressing tune during the chorus, which could represent the immediate outcome of Mediator.
> 
> And there is actually a stand-up comedy guy who has videos on YouTube where he did a if Dan Fogelberg covered AC/DC and if AC/DC covered Dan Fogelberg scenario -*it actually worked!* and it was truly funny. Highly recommended as a pick-me-up after the emotions going on in this fic.

I don't know what to do.

This evening I've had to go through a long, intense, and extremely emotional talk with Angus, and I don't know which one of us has bled more inside from it. All I know is I'm still bleeding.

I feel as though I've lost a family member; like somebody close to me has slipped away from me and died. Only it's worse, because it's not just one person. It's my family I had before I married and had kids. It's what I've known for almost forty years. It's my _home._ My true home. 

I've moved between homes with my family more than once, but when my true home is something that's not a physical house, but rather a status and a way of life, it's always there no matter where I am. I'm always home no matter how far I go.

Until now. These days, I don't know home. My "home" still exists and is still standing strong. But it's changed so much, I barely recognize it. It's nobody's own fault, and it's still there -but it's not home to me anymore. It's just a band.

My time with AC/DC has meant more to me than what I can put into words. Having these bandmates -no, these _brothers_ -with me for so long, and all of us sticking together through every trial we have faced, always being there for each other. That was the thing that meant the most to me sometimes. Being the mediator was hard, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. Even when some conflicts weren't easy to fix -ones that ended with everyone upset with me, and ones that ended in pain. Just knowing that I could be there for them the way they don't realize they've been there for me -that sometimes meant more to me than playing bass.

_This_ conflict I now feel inside... This one isn't just ending in pain. It's pure heartache. Because I know as much as I wish that I could that I can't continue to be here.

I don't want to go. I want to stay. I want to hold onto this remaining shell of this band that is so precious to me by how it has shaped my life, the experiences it has given me, and everything that made me myself. But everything within me -my head, gut, and heart are telling me that no matter how hard it is and how much it hurts, I have to let go. I have to say goodbye. Leave. Retire.

The realization hit me on the bus earlier tonight. It likely hit sooner, but this time there was no sense of denial. 

Things have been changed for awhile. There were times I felt uncomfortable, but I tried to stay optimistic that I would adjust. As a band we'd had so many things happen right after one another, and it was a stressful time. But the feeling deep down didn't pass. 

The next thing I knew, I was no longer alone in the front lounge of the bus. Angus came in. He saw me backed into the corner of the sofa, looking at the floor, trying to figure out how to cope with this monstrous realization.

I tried to hide it from him. Angus has been through so damn much lately, and it makes me feel guilty to know that I added to it -just as guilty as I felt when he approached me. And that was how the conversation started. It's still playing over and over in my head as I lay in my bunk.

***FLASHBACK***

"Oi, Cliff, you don't look so good -are you not feeling well?"

I shudder, trying to look away. I don't want to talk about it. If I tell him, it _will_ hurt him. Just a few months ago when everything went down with Brian, I had to pick up the pieces when he shattered under pressure, and he was pitiful. And if I put him in that condition myself, the guilt would suffocate me. AC/DC may no longer feel like home to me, but Angus is still my brother. The only one I've had from way back still left here.

"Physically I'm okay... I just have a lot on my mind." I try to dismiss it quickly. Just saying it out loud kills me. It's a thousand hot coals burning me up from the inside, but there's a chill inside the fire that is nothing but emptiness.

Angus comes up closer to me. He tries to look me in the eyes. 

I realize that he's trying to give back to me what I've done for him getting things back together best as possible. And I now know exactly what he felt the moment I confronted him the way I did before he broke down. Because it's taking all my willpower to not break down in tears right here.

"Cliff..." He sounds concerned, shocked, and I know it's dawning on him. "...you're leaving."

"I'm not certain of anything right now Angus. I can't say for sure what's-"

"Cliff, I can see it in your eyes, y'know? I know, because it was the exact same look that Malcolm had right when he told me, y'know... When he couldn't do it anymore..." 

Without looking at him, he sounds so sad. The reminder of how hard it was losing my first brother in this whole mess and the first step in home fading away hits me like a brick in the stomach.

I don't know how fast it happened as Angus says this to me, but the next thing I know, tears are welling up in my eyes and spilling over. It's bloody embarrassing, and all I want is to leave the lounge.

But Angus is right. I have to be honest and say what's going on. Because if I don't, he may panic and take it the wrong way, and that would be the worst possible outcome. The best thing I can give him is the honest truth. The honor that I should give him as a mediator, and the one a true brother gives no matter how hard it is.

"I don't know if I can do this anymore either Ang. I don't."

I'm trying so hard not to sob or have my voice crack. I'm already shedding enough tears. Of course, when you're in a group of close brothers like in AC/DC, there is no shame in crying when things get hard like this. We all go through it together; we've all seen each other cry at least once. I'm not ashamed. But I don't want to scare Angus when he's already being faced with yet another loss.

"Cliff, if it's my fault -I-"

"It's not your fault, Angus." He asked the question I was fearing most, and the pain only worsens with it for both of us, regardless of what I say.

"What caused it, Cliff? If-" Angus looks terrified, and I know he's having flashbacks to what went down in early April, trying to figure out how to carry on without Brian. 

_No. I don't want him to go through that. I can't have him go through that again._

"Angus," I choke out, trying to steady my voice. "It's not your fault. It's not Brian's fault. It's definitely not Malcolm's fault. I can't say it's Phil's fault, because that's only a very small piece of the picture here. You know how much AC/DC means to me. The day you and your brother called me completely changed my life, mate -and I can't thank you all enough for that. You gave me a family, and a home. But that home isn't what it used to be, and I'm not who I used to be either. I don't want you to think it was your fault. It's misfortune. Things have happened -some preventable, others not so much. For all I know, even if it hadn't happened, I would have realized it with my age anyway that the time was coming sooner or later."

"Cliff, I tried so hard to get things back. I know it's not the same with Axl. He's great, y'know, but I wish it were Brian up there -we all do, and it can't be until we know it's safe for him. And Phil still needs to get himself straight before I could possibly trust him, y'know -and Mal..."

Angus is rambling nervously; I can tell he's getting worked up inside, and it's not what I want.

"I know you tried, Angus, you did try - _we_ tried _so_ hard. And I understand why you have to keep it going. You have a duty to Malcolm. And I do t-too." 

My voice breaks off and I have to stop for a minute so that I don't get out of control. 

"I'll finish this tour with you, Angus. That, I can promise you even if I can't speak for certain on anything else. Okay, mate? I can't leave this tour unfinished either. Lord knows it's all I've got left."

It's true. And I can't leave it unfinished, because that would be the ultimate let down to the remaining family I have in this collapsing home. I have to finish this tour for Rock or Bust. Because it's the last tour I'll ever have with my family. 

"It's just changed too much, and it's your time," Angus states. He knows why I have to leave. He understands. He knows I'm not leaving in anger towards him, and I don't have any ill feelings toward him for drawing it out, because I understand that he has a duty to his brother to finish this and keep going as long as _he_ can.

But I just can't keep going any longer.

I nod, and it's the most painful motion I've made. More painful than when Bon died, more painful than when three people were trampled and killed at a concert, more painful than the departure of Malcolm, and all the drama with Phil, then Brian...

The next thing I know, thin, small, bony arms are wrapping around me from behind and pulling me into a hug, and I'm realizing that I have completely broken down and I'm sobbing. There's a small sniffle from behind me, and I know that we're both feeling each other's pain together -like the brothers we are and have been. For one of the last times. Because our home is broken, and it's never going to be the same again.

***END FLASHBACK***

I can't sleep still. The conversation and everything that happened has played over in my head for the past five hours, and I don't want to make a fool of myself and start crying in my bunk over it now. 

What has to be done has to be done. It's over. The word is out, and I've made my decision. Angus isn't mad at me. I'm not mad at him. We both understand. It hurts -my body is aching in a way I can't explain because the emotional pain is beyond what I can comprehend or express -but it's the only way I can heal. Even though I know I wasn't, because Angus wasn't hurt by my personal reasons for leaving, I feel like because I can't go on, I've failed as the mediator I am -the mediator I've been in this band, especially the past few years. And I don't want to hold anyone back or be a burden because I can't take it here anymore.

I'm still with this drastically changed band for the remaining parts of this tour. If Brian gets better and wants to hit some of the locations he missed on this tour, then I'll stick around for those too. And I hope he does, because I would like to perform with him -my other brother and best friend too, one last time.

It's a heavy weight on my chest still, the feeling that I've experienced a personal death. Nothing in my life will ever replace what I've lost. There's a huge emptiness inside me, and I haven't even left yet. Things have changed so much that there's no point in trying to fix it for myself, and things aren't going to turn around whether I stay or not. It's the last nail for me, regardless of how much life is left in the band.

I think to some old song a guy named Dan Fogelberg wrote -and the only reason I'd ever make that connection was a joke some comedian did comparing our styles as wide apart as they are. 'The Last Nail.' That bittersweet lyric. _'So let the ashes fall and lay where they will; just say that once you used to know me.'_ I need to leave things as they are now, and remember and look back on the good times -the times when AC/DC was the home to me that I knew and the times I was able to be there for my family -and never forget them after I leave. It's what I want to remember. 

The times when it was Malcolm, Phil, Brian, Angus, and I -or even before that, when Bon was there. I can remember running around in Paris, when Bon was there and wild but taking better care of himself so it showed, and Phil was still his old, relaxed self I haven't seen in so many years. I don't know whether the tears that form in the corner of my eyes are from the joy of having that nostalgia, or of sorrow from loss, but the images playing in my head from that time are some of the most beautiful things I've seen, and that I'll always have.

I still haven't lost all. I can still visit my brothers, and I still have them even if I no longer have home with them. Brian and I are still close. And I have made it clear in every way I possibly can, I'm not abandoning Angus. Like Brian, he's my brother, and I'll still be there for him -he can call me, and I'll answer. That he knows I'm not abandoning him will give him the strength to keep going as long as he can too.

But as Bon said in an early song he wrote, our forgotten song... The only slow song we ever wrote with him and never played live before he left.

It's what I have to do now. I have to let go of AC/DC.

It's time to say goodbye, and...

_...Ride On._


End file.
